Still I Rise

I should be hopping in the shower right now, aka my kids agreed not to fight for a bit, so I could shower! 😉 But, here is the thing… I had a friend give the okay to share her story & I am completely humbled to be able to share a view from another perspective that didn’t occur to me, BUT it makes so much sense! Guys, I have a friend who is a SURVIVOR! And you know what? I have known her for YEARS (let’s not talk how long, but for real most of my life) and I didn’t KNOW her story.

Before we really begin talking about this, let me first give you a possible trigger warning. If you have been victimized, this may be hard to read. You know you best! So, if you want to read later in your safe space away from people, or later in your space with your support people, or now because you are ready, whatever you need, please do that. If this helps put words to your hard situation, please share with friends & family to get this much needed word out.

This is a story about my friend, Kellie Johnson, but it could be any one of us or anyone around us. She is strong beyond belief! And because of this she wants it to sink in for all of us. She wants her name & picture connected to this so you can better understand. This. Is. Real. Please read her wise words:

What makes you feel safe, doesn’t make everyone feel safe. In fact, it’s very scary for some of us.

You might feel safe wearing your mask in public, in your car, at your place of business, while you’re out walking, wherever you’re choosing to wear it. Some of you are designing your own masks or designing them for others...with hearts and puppies or stripes or from your favorite bandanna or maybe you’ve even created a massive face shield. Some of you are even making this your new fashion statement.

Let me tell you what a mask means to me. The vision of a man wearing a mask brings back absolute fear for me. I was a 17-year-old, working alone daily at a bakery. A total stranger forced his way through the back door, wearing a mask. I was threatened with a knife and raped. At almost 52 years old, I can still see his cold eyes and hear his voice. Although he was never caught, I was not his first victim and probably wasn’t his last.

This man took 15 short minutes of my life. If I let being a rape victim define me, consume me or destroy my being, he won. Rape is a violent crime, committed by a violent person. The first few years, after being raped, I was deathly afraid every time I saw someone in a mask. I’ve overcome those fears. In fact, I’ve rarely thought about the incident because I took the appropriate measures necessary for healing.

I’m used to my painter wearing a mask when he paints cars. I’m used to riding a motorcycle and seeing people in masks. I’m used to skiing and seeing people in masks. What I’m not used to is seeing people wearing masks of all shapes and sizes in an environment that doesn’t typically require a mask. Your comfort and safety have now reopened that 17-year-old girl’s fears.

Today, as some states are requiring mandatory masks in public, I realized why I’m so angry at all of you choosing to wear your masks wherever you go. Your “safety net” to ease your own fears, has triggered my old fears. It’s your choice to wear a mask. Although you might feel safe coming into a business with your mask, those of us that have had a traumatic experience with someone in a mask are extremely fearful and unsure of your intentions. How am I to know if you’re protecting yourself or if you’re coming in to cause harm? My typically strong, confident, rational self has become very wary. I respect your decision to wear a mask, but please be aware and respectful that what is good for you is not necessarily good for the next person. Please be empathetic to the fact that what makes you feel safe may be very traumatic to the next person.

Other than my husband, who went through this ordeal with me, few people know my story. I’m not embarrassed or ashamed to tell it. In fact, this is partially what led me to my career as a mental health counselor. I’ve shared on an “as needed” basis, to help others that have experienced similar situations, heal. I don’t want you to feel sorry or bad for me. However, today I feel compelled to share my journey because I see many people attempting to force theirs fears and beliefs, although very real to you, on others that may fear the exact opposite. The term “shelter in place” may mean safety for you. I know, from my many years in the mental health profession, home is not always a safe place. School, for many children, is their respite. It’s their break from an abusive home situation. It’s their meal ticket. Loving teachers provide them with a safe outlet they don’t get at home. Work, for many adults, gives them time away from their abuser.

Throughout this pandemic, I’ve seen a great deal of kindness and compassion, but I’ve also seen an unbelievable amount of shaming, blaming, arguing, judgement, and blatant disrespect for humankind. In fact, we as adults, are becoming the bully that schools work so diligently to shut down. We should be coming together, not tearing each other down. We should be able to agree to disagree. We should love each other regardless of our beliefs and fears.

Please feel free to share this.

~Kellie

I have read this several times & I still can’t get over how obvious this should be. Thank you, Kellie, for allowing me to share your knowledge & view here! Of course, if you survived a trauma from someone with a mask, you are going to have this cringing feeling when you see someone, ANYONE, approach in a mask. Of course, it will not be just as simple to you wearing a mask to flatten the curve or trying to keep our germs (we may not yet be aware of) to ourselves. Trauma is a total beast. No matter how much we process through it, there are always moments when old fears or glimpses of fears sneak back in. Healed people do not let it control them, but it doesn’t stop the cringe reaction. Trauma is like a loop-de-loop. We can process, work through & heal, but there will be times old feelings come back. The difference is these survivors keep their loop-de-loop moving forward. A loop-de-loop doesn’t mean you were not healed, it means you are human. It means you were hurt deeply. And it means you are still moving forward.

I needed to hear this message from Kellie. I needed the wisdom of her experience to open my eyes beyond myself. Dear friends, please know that anything shared on here is not me saying I have it all together, but instead saying I need to hear these words too. If you read my Social Isolation 2.0 post, you may think I have it all together. Let me be clear, I do not. I am just committed to humbly work at learning from others. And you know what else? I fail at that too. For real, this is not an I am so great post. In an area of genuine authenticity, I tell you that I have not been a good friend several times over. I also have not perfected the apology of this (maybe that is the point to be able to be genuine), but just the humble message, to open that door of: I am sorry I was not there.

In this same respect of genuine authenticity, how do we stop the community shame going around? How do we stop the shame of people doing what they need to do to be safe and mentally healthy, like if it means they went to the drive thru (like a LOT – ME), or if they have a physical distancing meet up, or if they can’t put on a mask because it means feeling like the bad guy? Shoot, what if not putting on the mask makes them feel like the bad guy too? Sometimes this is all just SO MUCH. We need to allow ourselves, our children, our family, our friends, our neighbors, our drive-thru workers, our blessed grocery workers, our delivery people, our medical staff, our teachers, our city officials, every single person right now NEEDS more grace. I am not saying to not follow the rules for safety. I totally believe in them as much as possible. I am just saying to remember we are all fighting hidden beasts and need to remember the next guy is too.

I love that the Bible is full of people rising up after a storm! We were not made to be defeated & give up, but to encourage, preserve and thrive. It is through our compassion, empathy & resolve to care for others that we do thrive. What if Jonah died in the fish? What if Daniel was eaten in the lion’s den? What if David didn’t defeat Goliath? What if the woman didn’t touch Jesus’s garment in faith? This world would not be the same. And we would not have the example of grace & mercy to follow.

Okay, and if you are concerned about my quarantine hygiene, don’t worry, I hopped in the shower before all the craziness ensued & came back to spend some moments with you. And added bonus? The kids have had a really good little streak going with each other!

Note to anyone who also had a stolen moment that left you forever changed:

Dear Survivors,

You are not alone! You are loved. You are valued. You are a gift to this world!!! We all go through this life & receive scars from situations beyond our control. And you are my HERO! Sending my love from here.

Love,

Brynn

GIVEAWAYS (Wait, what, with an "S"??? Yep a double bonus in this post thanks to BeKá Boutique!)

Who doesn’t love a surprise in the mail?! Friends, because I LOVE spreading the love with others, comment on the post or send me a message sharing your aha moment, new story of empathy, or survivor story to be entered in the drawing. I will have a drawing for one winner! If you are the winner, I will put a free temporary tattoo of “still I rise.” in the mail for you AND there will be a $25 gift card to BeKá Boutique waiting for you!!! The drawing will be Monday night, April 27th... after kids are asleep! 😉

Keep showing off your survival skills dear friends & thank you for allowing me to be a small part of your community!

WARNING:

I believe in safe space for everyone. If this post isn't your thing, no big deal, just move on. Any negative comments will be removed.