The Struggles and Gifts of An Empath and Verbal Processor

So here is the thing, I process best by speaking it out loud to a trusted friend. When thoughts are just left in my head, they feel unfinished to me. I am pretty sure some people do not understand me. I am pretty sure there are people who think I do not have boundaries, or that I share too much… here is the thing, I VALUE authenticity. I only share what I am comfortable with that person or group knowing. If I am quiet in conversation, it is because I am trying to find a way to answer the question in a way that I am comfortable. And I have come to the point in my life where I am not consumed by others not understanding me. That is them & I know the truth. All that said, I know it took a lot of hard in my life to get me to this point, so this is not a judgement against anyone struggling with others’ opinions. And in full disclosure, I still am occasionally bothered. We are human. We say things that hurt others whether intentionally or unintentionally.

You know what is funny? I remember sitting in a coffee shop with a friend several years ago & telling her that I do not understand boundaries. I remember expressing my frustration with people around me who were supposed to be in a small group to support each other, but they were not willing to be open themselves to sharing the messy. This did not allow our small group community to support well & it made it so some of us did not feel safe or open in sharing our messy. The thing is, we ALL have messy. I do not care who you are, we all have messy areas in our life. One person’s messy may be a struggle with drugs or alcohol (one they admit or do not admit is an issue). Another person’s messy may be with relationships, or lack of allowing someone inside their messy. Yet another person’s messy could be another type of addiction, maybe shopping or going out or whatever they are trying to distract themselves with. We live in a fallen world and we all have messy!

A lot has changed since that conversation years ago. I understand boundaries now. I live by boundaries now, but I do not allow that to stop connection in the right places. Over the years I have had the privilege of genuinely sitting with others in their season of hard. The thing is this openness to sharing this life is what makes space available & safe to meet another in the messy. I often feel like I do not have the right words to say, but I refuse to let that feeling stop me from being there for another. It is in these unplanned moments of genuinely sitting with another & meeting them where they are in their season of hard, without any agenda, just my heart saying I am here with your hurting heart, that I am thankful for the genuine & messy of this life. When empathizing with whatever is going on, the words that just pour from my heart without any planning or well thought out articulation, often those words are what I need to reflect back on & remind myself of as well. One unscripted flow of words shared from my heart was this: It is okay. It is normal. It is right. And it is just to be sad when sad things happen. It does not automatically mean depression. I went on to explain that to not have this response & to not have that feeling is not from a healthy place. Later, in my own season of hard, a friend reminded me of these same words I had previously spoken. I do not believe we are called to share the perfect words. I believe we are called to show to those put in our lives that they are valuable & worth our time because it is in these moments of natural processing without agenda that genuine beauty happens.

I had a life changing moment when I decided to enter someone’s hard that I did not understand. I did not have the words. I did not know the next step. I only knew that this person was created in God’s image. This person is loved. This person needed to know that they mattered. Later I remember sitting in a committee meeting & hearing someone say: ‘but we need to let the professionals handle the big stuff’. Here is the thing… YES, we need counselors, therapists & life coaches, BUT we also need friends. We need people who say, “I do not understand, but I am not going to let you be alone in this.” We need people who will knock on the door, wait & knock more & more & more until it is seen that they are not giving up. Friends, I have been the one knocking without answer. I had no words when the door was opened. And you know what, my words were not what was needed in that moment anyway. When we are at our lowest, it is rarely words that helps, but a listening ear & simple encouragement that you are enough. You, in whatever mess you are in, you are enough.

I am reminded of Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8

For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven. A time to be born and a time to die. A time to plant and a time to harvest. A time to kill and a time to heal. A time to tear down and a time to build up. A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance. A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones. A time to embrace and a time to turn away. A time to search and a time to quit searching. A time to keep and a time to throw away. A time to tear and a time to mend. A time to be quiet and a time to speak. A time to love and a time to hate. A time for war and a time for peace.

So be sad, if you are sad & it is okay.

Ecclesiastes 3:4 is God giving us permission to be sad when the sad happens, and that it is okay. It does not last forever. And it does not automatically mean a sign of a bigger problem. It means you are responding to circumstances around you. And friends, sometimes the words shared when we are there for someone else, are later the words that God uses back on our hearts. Thank you for creating this community we have!

Sending my love,

Brynn

WARNING:

I believe in safe space for everyone. If this post isn't your thing, no big deal, just move on. I am sure you will find that thing that you are passionate to encourage others about. Any negative comments will be removed.